you are my alligator

Sunday night & I’m crawling through my sadness alongside a cup of yogi tea and finding reasons to make myself cry because I miss him and I need to. I should be used to this now. Safety in his arms and then back to myself; I’m unmoored.

So there’s this, favorite part of one of my favorite movies, and such a lovely and simple song.

It’s a fear, it is near.
the shape becomes ever clear.
It bares teeth, extra sharp, that’ll cut you in the heart.
It attacks really quick, try and fight it with a stick.
It’s no use, give it up, this is life and this is love.

You are my alligator
You are my alligator

I don’t know if I want children.

I’ve never been a baby person. I do like little kids, especially little girls (pink, princesses, Barbies!), but babies never interested me. I didn’t go to college right after high school, so when I got my first real job at the age of 18, I noticed the celebration of mother and baby was like nothing I’d ever seen. Having a baby, it seemed, was the ultimate achievement in a woman’s life. I married far too young and divorced quickly, and when I went out into the world on my own at the age of 20, I was relieved to not have the burden of children. I spent most of my twenties partying, working way too hard just to (barely) scrape by, and dating around. I was heavily influenced by the “Carried Bradshaw” lifestyle, which centered around men, going out, shopping, and living on my own doing whatever I damn well pleased. I had a couple of meaningful relationships but none of them brought up the subject of a real future together, someone I wanted to be with until the end. Until last August, when I met the love of my life.

I’m 27 now (28 in August). I just began taking college classes about a month ago, and am working full time at a job I don’t really like. The company is decent, the setting relaxed, and the pay is decent for what it is, although I still struggle to get by. My boyfriend and I are poised to move in together within the next few weeks or months, and with that come a lot of change-driven issues (about which I could write a whole other post), one being to have children, or not to have children. On my first date with my boyfriend, I texted my best friend from the bathroom “he’s so amazing. I want to have 1,000 of his babies.” And I really thought I did. (Not right away, of course!) We fell in love pretty quickly, and like all the cliches would tell you, when you meet the right person, you “just know.” I couldn’t imagine ever loving a human being more. He’s my best friend, my partner, my lover, my teacher. It isn’t perfect and lord knows I’m not, but I know he’s the best one I’ll ever hope to find. If there was ever a person to share a life and start a family with, it would be him. Without a shadow of a doubt.

But I’m having doubts. Serious doubts. We discussed this, and it started in jest – I tend to poke fun at other people our age and younger who have children. They don’t have the level of freedom that we do, financial or otherwise. It’s so fucking typical. Can’t they contribute something more meaningful to the world than carbon copies of themselves? They have to deal with diapers and daycare, soccer practice and PTA meetings, or making sure their babies/children don’t somehow hurt themselves. This may seem odd to some, but I really haven’t the faintest clue what being a parent would be like. I only know what I see on TV and secondhand from coworkers; as I’m an only child with no hands-on experience with kids. Ever. I don’t really have the biological “itch” to reproduce. I guess every now and then I’ll see some episode of a show or a movie that is touching, but I don’t know if it’s me being compelled to reproduce, or me just reacting to what I’m seeing at face-value.

While I know it’s not at all fair or kind to ridicule someone else’s choice to have a family, I think it may stem from my own fear of reproducing. I am literally TERRIFIED of having children for a host of reasons. I was born into dysfunctional family. My mother was pregnant at age 35; my father was 39. Neither of them planned on being parents. When I got old enough, my mom told me she and my father had never discussed having children. My father was abusive towards my mother, and very controlling. (I believe I’ve inherited my father’s anger and control issues. Thanks, Dad.) For most of my childhood, my life was my mother. She was a stay-at-home mom, and she doted on me like you wouldn’t believe. My parents split when I was seven, and things got really weird then. Shuffling between parents, getting caught in their divorce – needless to say, it was bad. I’ve been estranged from my father since age 20. My mother and I remain close to this day.

Add to this the fact that I just began college at age 27, ten years after most people do. I’m so happy I’m finally on my way to getting my education, but the time investment makes me wonder. I’m going to be working on school and career goals at the time when my biological clock begins ticking the loudest. I think the “best time” for me to have children will be around 31-33. (When I was younger, I thought if i had kids, I would have had them by now…but I digress. Life happened.) Does having children mean I’ll forfeit my professional goals and my pursuit of a higher self? All of this also creates some resentment towards my boyfriend, who chose the so-called “right path” and did college right out of high school, got his teaching certification and is pursuing his career as an English teacher. Something I always saw myself doing (maybe), only I dicked off for too long to make that a reality.

I don’t know why I don’t think I want to have kids. It isn’t just one reason. I’m terrified of the damage it will do to my career, my home, my body (weight/stretch marks/c section scars, tearing/pregnancy pain/labor pain), my relationship, my sex life. I also don’t know if I even believe in reproduction just for reproduction’s sake. How could I ever, even for a fleeting second, consider bringing a sentient being into the world if I didn’t want it with all of my heart and soul? There are so many children in this world that aren’t wanted, or treated right, or even given a fighting chance. It’s such a huge ethical dilemma. Most people don’t consider the overpopulation of the planet and its dwindling resources when considering their family. I’m sure those John and Kate Plus 8 people didn’t. But I do. On many levels, I feel that having natural-born children is narcissistic and selfish, especially in today’s environmental and economic climate. However, I understand the biological urge to do so: To have something to call your own, to create something larger than yourself, a piece of yourself that will last longer than you do. (Narcissism again? Maybe…)

So my boyfriend, the absolute love of my life – he wants children someday. Not even in the next few years, but someday. And while he sees the benefits of not having children, he has that deep, innate, biological desire to be a father. I love him so much. I wish I hungered for it the same way he did. We’ve discussed this at heartbreaking length and have yet to draw any concrete conclusions. I can’t promise him a child, but I can’t necessarily rule it out. Maybe, as so many people have told me over the years, I will change my mind. But maybe I won’t. Sometimes I’ll read or see something that pulls at my heart. I try to compartmentalize. “Do I want this? Or do I just think it’s sweet?” The image that compels me most of all is almost always the same. It’s me with my love in a big soft bed, with a baby in between us. Sunlight is pouring in through the window. No one is talking. Everything is still and perfect.

And that’s what keeps me from saying “no, never.”

coping with BPD in romantic relationships

Romantic relationships have been a tremendous struggle for me my entire life. I was diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) at age 24, and that seemed to make sense for many of my failed relationships, especially the one I was in at the time. Emotional instability, chronic mood swings, fear of abandonment, impulsive tendencies – those traits all did their part to dismantle every attempt at a successful, long-term romantic relationship. With many mental illnesses, especially one as complicated as BPD, it’s hard to walk the line between “blaming” my actions on my illness and taking responsibility – especially when my impulses can be extremely hard to control. I’ve been in recovery for over three years now and it continues to be a battle. Though I am now in a loving, healthy, adult relationship for the first time ever, my BPD symptoms still come up quite often. Luckily, my partner is patient and understanding, which helps minimize my “outbursts” when they do occur.

Identity disturbance is listed as one of the 9 identifying traits when diagosing borderline personality disorder. That, above almost all else, is the most pronounced trait that I can identify within myself as a borderline.

“People with an identity disturbance may speak, think or act in ways which are contradictory to themselves. They may think the world of themselves one day and think nothing of themselves the next. Their actions or thoughts may seem self-serving one day and flip into self-effacing, or self-destructive patterns the next. They may excel in one activity and appear incompetent in another. They may have impressive energy and enthusiasm for a season and be lethargic and withdrawn in another…People who suffer from personality disorders are sometimes prone to think emotionally, rather than logically, and apply this kind of emotional shorthand or “splitting” to situations that ultimately hurt themselves and those around them. This can lead to extreme emotional highs and lows in response to the natural ebb and flow of life’s circumstances that can lead them to make unsubstantiated, grandiose claims of superiority one day and self-condemning statements of worthlessness the next.” (Source: outofthefog.net)

I really do feel like I have a war in my mind sometimes. I feel myself becoming purposely difficult, belligerent, even downright mean – and seem to have no control over what’s coming out of my mouth; I’m in my right mind. I feel like I’m always “testing” him and even though he always “passes,” I don’t want to put that stress on him. Being borderline is basically being the most difficult person to be with – I crave intimacy yet sometimes act in a way that pushes people away. No matter how loving, caring, supportive, and willing my romantic partner may be – BPD still continues to rear its ugly head. I’ve accepted that to some extent, I will always have to live with this inside of me. (Although many books and websites I’ve read say that the symptoms do lessen when the individual enters her thirties and forties.) It’s a part of who I am, and my partner has acknowledged this as well. I’m eternally grateful for his willingness and understanding, but in the end, I have to help myself.

People don’t often realize that a seemingly “put-together” individual – with a job, a driver’s license, a 401k – can be “crazy.” The more intelligent and vibrant the individual, the more extreme the psychological effects of a mental disorder can be. I’ve been with my current beau for a little less than five months. While I’m trying desperately not to let often-crippling anxiety and BPD symptoms inform our relationship, I have to admit, I fear for its longevity. This is the love of my life. I don’t want my crazy to make it crumble.

Feel free to share your own experiences (if any) with BPD, mental illness, and how it has impacted your romantic relationships in the comments.

here I go a tumblin’

Over the years I have adopted pretty much every possible form of social media – instagram, pinterest, weheartit, twitter, facebook - all of which I use somewhat sparingly…so what did I do? I started a tumblr. My main motivation for doing this is to reblog pretty/funny images, short quotes and animated gifs for no real reason. I’m kind of loving it already.

Let’s play tumblr – http://agirlionceknew.tumblr.com

things in 2012

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
Took a vacation with a plane ticket I bought with my own money. Got tattoos. Met the love of my life.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t set resolutions so much as I set intentions – I had intended to do the first two things in #1, and the third wasn’t so much an intention as it was a dream. This year I am intending to to go school (steps in place), get more tattoos, move in with my boyfriend and spend less money on nail polish.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
None other than the one I live.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
A little more financial freedom. I grew a lot in 2012, it definitely became a happier year around July.

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 29. Kissing in the parking garage.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making the decision to attend college.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Spending way too much money on dumb shit.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, thankfully.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My New Hampshire tattoo.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
That’s an interestingly phrased question… I guess I’m super stoked about meeting my best friend Jen this year. I finally have a best friend who treats me well. It’s refreshing.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Ex friends. Three men in particular. All of whom I am happy are no longer in my life.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Nail polish. Tattoos. Rent. Cat litter.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
GEORGIA/FLORIDA! Palm trees! Getting tattooed! New best friends! Meeting K and falling head over heels in love!

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier!
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter. thinner
iii. richer or poorer? A LOT poorer. Oops
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Exercise, saving money.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Sitting around. Being lazy. Buying nail polish.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my mom in the morning and with my love in the afternoon/evening.

21. Did you fall in love in 2012?
Madly, deeply, insanely. Yes.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Parks & Recreation! Not sure how I lived without it.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Not hate. Dislike, perhaps.

24. What was the best book you read?
Sex and Bacon by Sarah Katherine Lewis
The Red Book by Sera Beak
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chobosky

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Lana Del Rey <3

26. What did you want and get?
The boy I dreamed about for 27 years. NBD.

27. What did you want and not get?
A new , nicer, bigger apartment.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I’m not sure I had one. Looper if I had to pick. I didn’t see a lot of new films.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
27. Drank mai tais with my new best friend and a random group of people at a mustache themed party.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I’d been able to move.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Weird question. I guess biker grandma. I like tough looking things and flowery things, floaty tops that look like tablecloths or doilies, babydoll dresses, denim shorts and bikini tops.

32. What kept you sane?
My friends.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Eh, no one. Unless the Kardashians count. Ha.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
That Barack Obama was re-elected. WTF America.

35. Who did you miss?
My boyfriend, every second he’s not by my side. <3

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Tough. #35 .

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.
Best friends aren’t always forever and people are selfish, and they will always disappoint you.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“But of all these friends and lovers, there is no one, compares with you. And these memories lose their meaning, when I think of love as something new. Though I know I’ll never lose affection for people and things, that went before – I know I’ll often stop and think about them – in my life, I love you more.”
-The Beatles (of course!) <3

I love New Year’s.

It’s one of the most hyped-up holidays – everyone’s trying to attend the coolest party and have the perfect midnight kiss. I have always loved New Year’s, especially in the last few years. It’s an excuse to get dressed up, wear TONS of sequins and glitter, drink champagne, kiss someone special, and ring in the next year with a theoretical clean slate. There’s something magical about New Year’s Eve. I’m hosting a party this year with my two best friends, and will get to kiss the love of my life at midnight. I’m not sure I could ask for anything more than that.

The beauty of this year is that things I waited for, hoped for, ached for – finally happened to me. I took a real vacation where I actually flew somewhere. I got not one, but three tattoos. I made two new friends who are not just friends, but BEST friends, people who I cannot imagine my life without. And I fell in love. I get to spend New Year’s Eve with people who really matter to me. I cannot tell you how much joy that brings me, or how hopeful and happy it makes me about the coming year. I have all the hope in the world that it will be just as wonderful as 2012 has been.

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,
and never thought upon;
The flames of Love extinguished,
and fully past and gone:
Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold,
that loving Breast of thine;
That thou canst never once reflect
On Old long syne.
♥
(from the original poem by Robert Burns)

why I “wasted” my vote on Gary Johnson

It was no surprise that President Barack Obama won yesterday’s election. It’s disheartening, but most voters believed they only had two choices – incumbent Barack Obama or Republican candidate Mitt Romney. The popular consenus among many voters was that the choice was between the “lesser of two evils” and voting for someone other than the Republican or Democratic candidate was a “waste” of a vote, but here’s why that simply isn’t the case.

Gary Johnson, the two-term former Republican Governor of New Mexico, was the 2012 Libertarian candidate for president. He has a proven track record of vetoing wasteful spending over 750 times, and was cited “best job creator” by National Review. His campaign was hardly covered by the mainstream media. I found out about Johnson through my “smart” friends, and I’m so glad I did. Upon researching Johnson’s stance on the issues and using interactive tools such as isidewith.com – I discovered that he was the candidate I felt most aligned with my own views. Johnson is socially liberal and fiscally conservative – which in my opinion, is exactly what our country needs right now. The damage done by the Obama administration is simply not sustainable: The federal deficit has tripled, the American dollar is hardly worth anything, and the unemployment rate is sky-high.

Johnson’s plan was to stop the spending immediately, audit the federal reserve and abolish the IRS. Johnson rallied to bring troops home and limit U.S. involvement in foreign affairs. He believes in keeping the internet safe and censorship-free. He also has been on a long-running campaign to legalize marijuana and to regulate it in similar fashion to alcohol and cigarettes. Johnson supports civil liberties such as gay marriage and abortion, issues on which the government shouldn’t impose, as well as the repeal of the Patriot Act. Gary Johnson stood to defend freedom, peace and well – liberty. He encouraged us to “Be Libertarian with me this one time.”

The more I followed Gary – on YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook – the more his message resonated with me. I know that I wasn’t alone in feeling fed up with the venomous campaign messages being tossed back and forth between Obama and Romney, the endless flyers, the ridiculous debates. The two-party system is corrupt. Both of the main candidates were essentially endorsing the same things. Plenty of folks voted for Obama simply because of Romney’s pro-life and pro-marriage stance, neither of which have much weight if he actually were to be elected. Campaigns know which issues to press to sway voters. Gary Johnson spoke the truth, unlike either of the other candidates. Oh, and by the way: Johnson is an avid skier, marathoner and climbed Mount Everest.

If Gary Johnson had achieved his goal of 5% of the popular vote, it would have ended the two-party abuse, and granted the Libertarian party equal funding and ballot access. Johnson received a total of 1,139,562 votes, more than any other Libertarian candidate to run for presidential office. That is historic and amazing. He was America’s best hope. I couldn’t be more proud to have “wasted” my vote on him. I know I share that pride with the rest of the 1% who voted for Gary Johnson. I know this isn’t the last we’ll see of him. I can only hope that in time, more Americans will take notice of other candidates on the ballot, and have the courage to vote for who they truly believe in, rather than who has a “chance” of winning. I know I did.

“I am not a champion of lost causes, but a champion of causes not yet won.”
-Norman M. Thomas

homemade chicken and dumpling soup

Perfect for a chilly fall day when you’re feeling under the weather. There are lots of versions of this recipe out there, mine is a combination of some I read as well as my own.

Ingredients:
1 box chicken stock
1 12-oz can chicken breast (you can cook a whole or pieced chicken, I just added this)
3-4 stalks celery
1 medium yellow or white onion
4 medium sized carrots
Rosemary, thyme, basil, garlic powder, salt & pepper – all to taste
2 tbsp. cornstarch
Extra virgin olive oil

Dumplings:
1 1/4 cup flour
1 tsp baking powder
2 tbsp melted butter
1 beaten egg
1 cup milk (I used 1%)
Salt, pepper, rosemary

In a small amount of olive oil and water, begin to cook the chopped vegetables until slightly tender. Then add the chicken stock, canned chicken and spices. Stir in cornstarch to thicken the soup, which should be on medium heat.

Next prepare the dumplings. In a bowl combine all ingredients until you make a sticky dough. Use a tablespoon to measure out even sized amounts of dough, then drop into the pot of soup one at a time. They should be imperfect. Turn heat down to low and cover. Simmer for about 20 minutes, then it’s ready to serve. Enjoy!

the sweetest november

I bless every heartache. Every bruise. Every time he didn’t call. Every time that I didn’t know what was missing. These are the lessons that lead me to you.

And you are the answer to every question my heart has ever asked.

Rapture

by Galway Kinnell

I can feel she has got out of bed.

That means it is seven a.m.

I have been lying with eyes shut,

thinking, or possibly dreaming,

of how she might look if, at breakfast,

I spoke about the hidden place in her

which, to me, is like a soprano’s tremolo,

and right then, over toast and bramble jelly,

if such things are possible, she came.

I imagine she would show it while trying to conceal it.

I imagine her hair would fall about her face

and she would become apparently downcast,

as she does at a concert when she is moved.

The hypnopompic play passes, and I open my eyes

and there she is, next to the bed,

bending to a low drawer, picking over

various small smooth black, white,

and pink items of underwear. She bends

so low her back runs parallel to the earth,

but there is no sway in it, there is little burden, the day has hardly begun.

The two mounds of muscles for walking, leaping, lovemaking,

lift toward the east—what can I say?

Simile is useless; there is nothing like them on earth.

Her breasts fall full; the nipples

are deep pink in the glare shining up through the iron bars

of the gate under the earth where those who could not love

press, wanting to be born again.

I reach out and take her wrist

and she falls back into bed and at once starts unbuttoning my pajamas.

Later, when I open my eyes, there she is again,

rummaging in the same low drawer.

The clock shows eight. Hmmm.

With huge, silent effort of great,

mounded muscles the earth has been turning.

She takes a piece of silken cloth

from the drawer and stands up. Under the falls

of hair her face has become quiet and downcast,

as if she will be, all day among strangers,

looking down inside herself at our rapture.

she’s not super famous yet, but

I can’t get enough of Marina and the Diamonds. I just put a voice to the face that keeps popping up everywhere. I’m obsessed with Lana Del Rey so I was impressed to find another self-made female artist with a decidedly poppy yet brand new song and a delicious voice. I bought her album and can’t stop listening to “Lies” and “Radioactive,” but “Prima Donna” was my first glimpse and listen into her world:

This interview is also amazing, although Erin Lucas is a terrible interviewer… Marina is disarmingly adorable and so much fun to watch. I adore her coquettish, 60s esque style. <3