Creampie (used as verb not noun): Reference to director Michael Patrick King’s commentary on Sex and the City: The term “creampie” is a metaphor for when a character builds up great hopes/expectations only to be brought down by reality or some kind of letdown or disappointment.
I do believe that the creampie is the inevitable climax to most dating experiences. Sooner or later, we all get creampied. Someone is too clingy/needy/insecure. Someone is unappealingly broke. Someone has a record. Someone is an asshole. Someone is (gasp) bad in bed. You get the idea. I think life is great before the creampie. You can imagine how things will be so great, walking on the beach holding hands and all of that lovely stuff. But sooner or later, my friends:
SPLAT. You will get creampied, for sure. The more excited you get, true to form–the messier the creampie will be.
This leads into my next order of business which is dealbreakers (at least for me). Everyone has them, it’s just whether or not they elect to make them known, but I think I’m brave enough. And maybe it will make dudes think twice before they pull these atrocities on one of their dates, thus resulting in the aforementioned creampie situation.
-Not springing for a soda at the movies. Come on, man. I know it’s five bucks and it’s an insane markup, but you look oh-so-cheap cruising by that refreshment stand without offering.
-Having literally no money. I’m not shallow or superficial, or maybe I am, and I know “love don’t cost a thing,” but money is kind of the lifeblood of dating, so you can go out and experience things outside your own apartments to get to know each other. Call me old-fashioned…but being at least somewhat financially secure is right up there.
-Money talk. Okay, so whether you have money or not, I don’t want to hear about it unless we’re serious. It’s boring to me to hear about your financial woes or listen to you brag about your salary, and it’s invasive to ask me what I pay for rent, car payment, heat, or my shoes, because who the fuck really cares?
-Clingy, needy, etcetera. It’s not that I’m a bitch, it’s just that I don’t really need you or want to talk to you 24/7. Constant availability doesn’t make anyone sexy; this should be common knowledge.
-Incessant pawing/trying to get laid. But guys will be guys, so expected and tolerated to a point.
-Strange sexual surprises…?!
-Calling me any of the following: Cutie, hun, mami, ma, sweet-cheeks, good-lookin’ or any other ridiculous name. Please!
All in good fun. I don’t take anything too seriously and neither should you–life is too short! If worse comes to worst, we can always just say “next!”