they say the strong survive

…but they don’t always win.

It’s a force of determination with which I’ll enter 2008. This year has truly opened my eyes to so much. It’s hard not to feel invincible after all I’ve been through I became a version of myself so resilient that I manged to get through difficulties and disappointments without flinching. It was something within me, and someone I’m glad to be without, that forged me into the person I am. I pride myself on the success I have earned and the independence I’ll never take for granted. I invest a lot in my few positive relationships with other people. I have observed more than I have interacted, and I have learned far more than I have lost.

I’ve read books. I’ve written everything (a novel’s worth of trash, and maybe something brilliant here and there). I’ve experienced amazing new music. Made new friends I hope to keep and cut ties with those who wounded me. I have created art. I have gone on midnight runs. I’ve had sand between my toes. I’ve felt the heights of both passion and hate. I’ve laughed until I’ve cried…and cried until all I could do was laugh.

I have a new sense of self going into this year. As I struggle to find the balance between my desires and my reality, it’s nice to know I’m not alone on my journey…but maybe nicer to know that when I am alone, I’m completely unafraid. There have been many times when my fear could have held me back, from my freedom, from adventures, from going places and meeting people, but I chose not to let it. I can’t calm down my restless mind. I can’t stop daydreaming and procrastinating. But I own my emotions, and through my emotions, my life…which so often I feel is just beginning.

I appreciate my brain, my spine, my guts. If you cut me, I still bleed. I’m fragile, often vulnerable and ultimately I’m still human. I can trip and fall. I make mistakes. I’m up and down and always changing. I contradict myself. My imperfect, blundering existence is what makes it beautiful. All any of us can hope to be is the best version of ourselves…to fan the flames of possibility to become sparks of achievement. I am flawed. But I’ve learned and I’ve grown, I’ve ached and I’ve longed and I have not only pushed, but forced myself to stay on top. I’m setting new goals for myself and constantly raising the bar. Not to impress you. Because at the end of the day, I like being impressed with myself. It’s my journey, and this time to reflect on this year and aspire for the year ahead fills me with such a profound sense of calm.

So much I don’t understand. So much I want to become…

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