marked by sadness, fueled by hope

I am a sad girl sometimes. I am one of the “broken souls,” someone who has spent more time in pain than in contentment. And yet I consistently am searching for the silver lining. Today I cried, because yet again I unfolded myself, only to learn that I had been stepped upon; a bridge over which someone else could tread so they could get to the other side of their own discomfort. Regardless of intention, it burns me still, to let myself be seduced by someone’s gentle nature and to somehow become more bruised than he thinks he is. I know I will heal.

So often I find myself obsessing over the outcome of a situation, or an eventuality that may or may not occur. File this again under songs I listened to growing up over and over and I understand now. It’s a reminder to us that it’s completely okay to dwell in the gray areas, to find beauty in negative spaces and that “no one’s got it all figured out just yet.” I can be a very contradictory person; I’ve spent most of my life battling [at least two of] my inner selves. I’m always struggling to find a way to make my opposing sides coexist. I long for eccentricity, the thrill of the new and unexplored, a new touch, brush on canvas, sensory triumph. But I also crave sameness, comfort, being held incrediblytightwithnospaces, routine, a predictable cadence to life. There are times I feel balanced, and times I feel completely off kilter. Meditation always brings me home. But there is a calmness to knowing that what exists now will soon likely change, and life, as always, will beat out a new rhythm, slipping ever steadily into the unknown.

—–

I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed
I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be fine fine fine
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I’m sober
I’m young and I’m underpaid
I’m tired but I’m working, yeah
I care but I’m restless
I’m here but I’m really gone
I’m wrong and I’m sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite alright
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I’m free but I’m focused
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m hard but I’m friendly baby
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chickenshit
I’m sick but I’m pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything’s just fine fine fine
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

Advertisements

where HAVE all the cowboys gone?

This is a Facebook status update turned blog entry, which I’m writing because of myself but on behalf of womankind. It’s been another uneventful Friday night, just texting my BFF Molls about ex-boyfriends (which happens too much anyway) and I admitted that I still constantly wear one of my ex’s t-shirts that I “adopted” circa 2008. (Thank you M. Parsons.) The thing that got me going was not thinking oh, I really want this person back – per se – but more the wonderful, old-fashioned feeling of being cared for and adored. This was a man who drove to about 10 stores at 1 am to find duct tape for me on our first date…it was an emergency and it’s a long story, but he was/is a true boy scout/cowboy of our time. I remember our breakup like it was yesterday, vivid as can be. Unlike many of my other relationships, this one was clearly over when it was. I walked out the door and literally never looked back: No calls, no pleas…no bargaining or breakup sex. It was a clean, swift, machete-chop and he was gone from my life. We have kept in touch loosely over the years, but I’ve still never seen him since.

Now I’m twenty six and everything’s crazy and twisted, my expectations seem like they’re out in the solar system but all I really want is a guy who: 1) is interesting, 2) makes me feel special, and 3) is a good communicator. The reason I prioritize these is because lately I’m not getting any of that, or if I am, it’s sporadic and unpredictable and gives me ulcers. Being single is grand and glorious, I will rock out with my hall pass as long as that’s the Universe’s plan, and forgive me for being SUCH a fucking woman, but – dude, I want to know where it’s going. If you think I’m awesome, tell me. If you want to see me, make it happen. I guess it takes more than picking up the tab at dinner to impress me.

It’s cliche but I don’t care; I’m an old-fashioned romantic at heart. I long for the days of letter sweaters, or where men wore gloves…I want to “go steady” and hold hands under the stars.

And so I’ll end with Paula. Because girl — I finally get what you were saying back in 1996.

permeable membrane

It’s been awhile, and I got inspired to do a relationship post. I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately…how we define them, but most importantly, how they define us.

As I sat listening to the rain, I popped in Eat, Pray, Love (best book, great movie) and the “permeable membrane” quote came into my head. That’s how I am with relationships – every time.

“…I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time-everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”

– Elizabeth Gilbert; Eat, Pray, Love

I place a lot of emphasis on my romantic relationships, and I know that. I take them dead serious. Casual dating is something I avoid (although I go on dates…I barely like any of them) because I am addicted to the euphoric feeling of having someone. When they check out, disappoint me, become busy…whatever the case may be, I slowly disintegrate. It happens every time without fail. I’m a whore for intimacy, I will do almost anything to maintain it. Of course that’s a destructive cycle I’ve endured over and over again for years.

One of the most redemptive things about Mondays is video blogs from Gabrielle Bernstein. She usually vlogs about something I need to deal with exactly at the right time…this week is no different. She taught me a quote/concept from A Course in Miracles – to “make your romantic relationships more brotherly and your brotherly relationships more romantic.” Avoid the “special relationship” and pinning all your hopes/needs/desires onto one person. How could anyone ever satisfy them all, anyway, even the most well-intentioned person? Instead, find fiery love in all corners of your life. Your friendships, creative projects, family, solitude, pets, spirituality. It isn’t all the same brand, but it is all still LOVE and it is abundant, if you’re open to receiving it. And with that, I’ll let Gabby do the talking…