marked by sadness, fueled by hope

I am a sad girl sometimes. I am one of the “broken souls,” someone who has spent more time in pain than in contentment. And yet I consistently am searching for the silver lining. Today I cried, because yet again I unfolded myself, only to learn that I had been stepped upon; a bridge over which someone else could tread so they could get to the other side of their own discomfort. Regardless of intention, it burns me still, to let myself be seduced by someone’s gentle nature and to somehow become more bruised than he thinks he is. I know I will heal.

So often I find myself obsessing over the outcome of a situation, or an eventuality that may or may not occur. File this again under songs I listened to growing up over and over and I understand now. It’s a reminder to us that it’s completely okay to dwell in the gray areas, to find beauty in negative spaces and that “no one’s got it all figured out just yet.” I can be a very contradictory person; I’ve spent most of my life battling [at least two of] my inner selves. I’m always struggling to find a way to make my opposing sides coexist. I long for eccentricity, the thrill of the new and unexplored, a new touch, brush on canvas, sensory triumph. But I also crave sameness, comfort, being held incrediblytightwithnospaces, routine, a predictable cadence to life. There are times I feel balanced, and times I feel completely off kilter. Meditation always brings me home. But there is a calmness to knowing that what exists now will soon likely change, and life, as always, will beat out a new rhythm, slipping ever steadily into the unknown.

—–

I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed
I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be fine fine fine
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I’m sober
I’m young and I’m underpaid
I’m tired but I’m working, yeah
I care but I’m restless
I’m here but I’m really gone
I’m wrong and I’m sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite alright
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I’m free but I’m focused
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m hard but I’m friendly baby
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chickenshit
I’m sick but I’m pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything’s just fine fine fine
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

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One thought on “marked by sadness, fueled by hope

  1. I love that song! Oh boy, can I relate to what you said! The bad news is I’m probably twice your age and still have that inner struggle. The good news is that at my age I understand the reason behind the struggle. 🙂

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