a separate peace

The last two nights I’ve slept in a yellow bed that isn’t my own. It feels like a vacation that I didn’t choose.

I’ve written about my relationships before, and my BPD (borderline personality disorder). The two do not play well together. Two days ago, my boyfriend moved out of the apartment we moved into only a month ago. This was triggered by my constant vitriolic behavior with regards to his new teaching job — something I *should* be proud of him for, and want to celebrate with him. Only his getting that job only made me feel small, stupid and unaccomplished, and most of all, angry with myself for not making the “right” choices earlier in life. Despite our solid connection and deep love for each other, he left.

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I came home from work to a near-empty apartment. He took everything of his. I begged and pleaded on the phone. (Classic BPD behavior: “I hate you/Don’t leave me.”) Through many tearful experiences and an act of self-harm I won’t get into, I wound up staying at my best friend’s house. When I pulled up in the driveway (a total mess) I saw my other best friend’s car in the driveway. Having my friends there helped tremendously. I really do have the best friends in the world–they seem to think that with a little time, and me getting the help I need, that me and bf can work things out.

We’ve been in pretty consistent contact. He’s said “I love you” so many times, and so have I. He was the one who took me to the hospital yesterday. The love hasn’t changed. I want him to come home so much. My cats are alone there, which breaks my heart. They’ve been cared for every day so far, but I miss them and worry about them. But being there is impossible, being alone is impossible. There’s nothing left there. No internet, no TV, no xbox, no air conditioner. No boyfriend, no love. I feel like he took it with him when he left.

At the urgency of my friends, my PCP and a psychiatrist’s office I was referred to, I went to the emergency room yesterday to be evaluated. They decided to release me because I wasn’t an immediate danger. The plan is to see a psychiatrist, start back up on my Wellbutrin and find out if I really do have BPD. (The therapist who “diagnosed me a few years back was a LICSW, which means she can’t technically diagnose mental illnesses.)

This is the hardest and most painful thing I’ve ever done. A part of me is afraid boyfriend won’t come home, even though he says he wants to. I’m afraid it will take longer than I want. I’ve been reading online about the benefits of separation (I can only find stuff on marital separations, really) and I’m hoping that starting the path of getting help, and getting some space away from the relationship will give us both perspective. I know it won’t change how I feel about him, and I hope it doesn’t change how he feels about me. My heart hurts. All I want is to be in his arms.

It’s been too many nights of being with
To now suddenly be without.

– Jewel

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8 thoughts on “a separate peace

  1. I’m so sorry. I wish I knew what to say. going into therapy will hopefully help, and maybe it will help him to see that you are trying to make changes and get better, and that will encourage him to come back sooner.

  2. Damn, I’m sorry to hear this. I imagine you must miss your boyfriend a ton and hope to be living together again asap, but I agree that this time apart could be beneficial. It could give you time to work on some of those insecurities and resentments you’ve held against him and yourself. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be thinking at all about the relationship and how to improve it, but it sounds like now might be a good time to figure out what it would take for you to feel happy and satisfied with yourself, whether you were in a relationship or not. I truly hope this all works out for the best, though, and that the pain and sadness go away fast. Take care, sweetie.

    • Thank you dear ❤ that means a lot, and yeah, I do plan on doing some soul-searching and introspection. It's not an easy process. Right now I don't even know where I should be living–out of a laundry basket at my best friend's house in a bunch of chaos, or all alone in the apartment that was supposed to be "ours." I'm really confused.

      • Aww, it will take patience, but you’ll get through this. Your situation now sort of reminds me of the situation a few years ago with the schizoid, except I didn’t have anywhere else to escape. I was stuck alone every day in his townhouse, so I know that eerie, hollow feeling very well. Based on my experience, I think it may do you some good to stay away from the empty apartment for a little while. I suspect it would just be a constant reminder of him and how you think things are supposed to be.

  3. Regarding your feeling on his job versus your “life choices,” I’d say that the part of a person’s self-worth that comes from their job is how well they do it. One’s work ethic is what’s important, not what work one does.

    Look at all the people on the Dirty Jobs TV show. They do, literally, the least glamorous and least respected jobs in the country. But they deserve as much respect as teachers, fire fighters, etc., because they *do* their job; something that can’t be said for so many other people I’ve encountered in my life.

    You can always feel confident with your life choices because you can look back at any day of your life in the last ~3 years and get a little pat on your back for being able to maintain a job, keep your own place, care for your cats, have a wealth of friends, etc. People should be jealous of you.

    • Aw D. That is so sweet and means a lot. I definitely agree with work ethic and a job well done–however–it is hard to do a job well when you aren’t passionate about it, and when you feel that your talents are being wasted on a “meaningless” job. I need change.

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