I can wait.

Words for feeling lost…found via Bryonie Wise.

“I exist as I am, that is enough,
If no other in the world be aware I sit content,
And if each and all be aware I sit content.
One world is aware, and by the far the largest to me, and that is myself,
And whether I come to my own today or in ten thousand or ten million years,
I can cheerfully take it now, or with equal cheerfulness, I can wait.”

~ Walt Whitman

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meditation Monday: trust your gut


by Shel Silverstein

“My ego often seeks validation for what my soul already knows.” (unknown)

I’ve always been an advice-asker. I don’t think I realized until very, very recently that I actually need to cut the shit. Relying on the advice/approval/counsel of other people, even those very close to me, needs to stop. It can be about anything and everything. A tattoo, an apartment, plans for the day, what to wear, and often for this single lady – who to date, who not to date, when to text or call him, when not to text or call him, what to say, how to “say it and how to play it.” I’m finding myself paralyzed and stuck. I don’t trust my own opinion. I’m needy, uncertain. And constantly waffling back and forth. Not a good place to be. Deep down somewhere in there, I already know the answer. I know the actions to take. I have gut feelings about everything that matters. People toss around phrases like “trust your gut all the time,” but there is something to it. I need to learn it better.

Ultimately…I need to practice listening to my own inner guidance system. Often when we tune out the voices and opinions of others, we can dial up the volume of our own ~ing, as Gabrielle Bernstein, my teacher would say. And so I leave you with her wisdom, which I started my day with…and ending with this post.

worth watching: Lars and the Real Girl (2007)

It’s pretty much expected that a film in which a socially awkward grown man orders a sex doll from the internet and pretends she’s his girlfriend would be a bit on the weird side. But  what’s unexpected, is how much of a gem that film has the potential to be – and is realized in Lars and the Real Girl. Lars is 27, and lives in the garage of his older brother Guy (Paul Schneider) and his pregnant wife, Karin (Emily Mortimer). He’s hopelessly reclusive. The backdrop is a small conservative town in northern Minnesota, which is portrayed so well in the film. (There’s no hustle and bustle, but plenty of ugly sweaters.)

I will admit, I was skeptical at first, especially when Lars first brought the Bianca in to meet his brother and Karin. It was uncomfortable and weird. There are hardly any sexual references in this film – and those that are made, aren’t made by Lars towards Bianca – his “real” girl. It isn’t about that. The film at first centers around Lars’ brother and sister in-law getting him “help” to treat his delusion. He begins visiting the family doctor/psychologist on a weekly basis, who is the first to “humor” Lars in his relationship and acknowledging Bianca as real. With a few raised eyebrows, Bianca begins to settle into life in Minnesota. She makes friends, volunteers at the hospital, and begins to “assert her independence,” all the while, unwittingly helping Lars into the world as well, helping him to feel things and to connect in ways that he never was able to without her. It’s just a movie you have to see to really get; explaining it doesn’t do it any justice.

It’s a film about kindness, love, acceptance, and what can happen when we choose those things over fear and judgment. No cheap shots, here. It has an understated tone and quiet humor. It was touching and incredibly subtle, and in the end, heartbreaking…then hopeful. So worth watching.

lessons in letting go

Once I heard that your spiritual growth is like a class. Only if you keep failing the class, you keep repeating it over and over again until you pass. LETTING GO is what I’m doomed to repeat, it seems. Over and over. I fought to hold on to someone for years who I should have released immediately. Sometimes I’m certain we should never have been together, at least not as long as we were. It was damaged and hideous at the end. Life is such a balancing act. We fight to hold on to the people and things that matter to us, and we also fight to let them go. “Never letting go” is a painful and constrictive promise. The wise would know when to fight harder, and when to let go.

Recent times have presented me with another circumstance in which my heart is being pulled. It wants to hold on. It wants to make this person important. It wants to plant roses at his feet. On the contrary, this other man seems mired in his own pain/madness/sorrow/shackles. Far too much so to see me standing at the other end with my arms and heart wide open. And even though he said he didn’t want to disappear…that’s precisely what he did. My awakened self, the Spirit Junkie inside me says – be cool. Be okay that this is not part of the Universe’s plan right now for you. Marvel that you have the capacity to admire and care for someone that much. And then let him go.

Letting go is powerful. Liberating. Divine. If you can get there. 

“You probably think, in general, you could have done more. It was never about your doing more, it was always about trusting that it was out of your hands.”
— From Blue Jelly by Debby Bull

If he’s stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go.

This isn’t the first time I’ve written about something like this. And it definitely won’t be the last. But it’s important for me to do. Every time I practice this I get a little stronger. A little better. A little closer to really, truly letting go.

meditation Monday: be your own bestie

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Sometimes someone else says it better than I could. From a post @ The Daily Love by Agapi Stassinopolous.

There are two things that perpetuate a lot of hurt in our lives: judgments and expectations. We expect that people are going to act a certain way. Usually, this looks like we expect people to act in exactly the way we want them to. When people inevitably fail to act the way we want them to or the way we think they should, we experience hurt. This is when we have an opportunity to shift our perspectives. We can realize that people are going to behave and act according to their own rules, and commit to just love and support ourselves regardless. Let’s be our own best friends! If, on some rare occasion, others act in a way that fulfills our expectations, then hurray for us! If they don’t, then so be it. If we give ourselves the latitude to realize that each person we encounter has a whole other movie going on inside of their heads and their own script they are following, we can accept that we have no clue about what their reality is like, what is present and important at that time for them, and not make assumptions about their motives. We are the authors and the stars of our own movie – not anyone else’s.

Beautiful.

cinematic, razor sharp


You’re cinematic, razor sharp
A welcome arrow through the heart
Under your skin feels like home
Electric shocks on aching bones


How rich in contrast
Love can be
Sometimes I’m quite amused
To see it twist and turn
To taste both sweet and dry
These vintage years
Lovers you consume, my friend
As others their wine


I’m broken open
Fragile heart, tapered kiss
I hate missing you
Wondering what you’re doing
All the while correctly suspecting
That you don’t give a fuck.

(my own journal)


I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be

So long my luckless romance, my back is turned on you
Should have known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do.

*Lyrics – in order: Snow Patrol (You’re All I Have), Radiohead (Bitter Sweet), Fiona Apple (Paper Bag), A Fine Frenzy (Almost Lover)

stay at home, Sunday Girl.

Tonight is lit by yellow light bulbs and
wrapped in cream colored blankets
We spend our moments swallowed up in white silence but for
thirty second commercial breaks of kissing
All the noise gone from our hearts.


she can’t catch up with the working crowd
the weekend mood and she’s feeling proud
live in dreams, Sunday Girl ♥

text messages/ bubbling up/ dill pickles/ blow jobs/ launched/ lost.
needed repair/ jungle sex/ four am.
feelings/ feelings/ feelings/ feelings
meeting a mirror/ finding the flesh/ scrambled eggs/ flannel/resolve

Your hands are in my hair but my heart is in your teeth baby
And it makes me want to make you near me always

(Jewel)

You have strange images of her as your sweetheart, your one and true sweetheart, and you want to go steady, want to rake leaves with her, want to give her a letter sweater, these 1950s dreams…want it to be Christmas and lights and a fireplace and cocoa and her wearing angora.

(from Landscapes by Joseph Monninger)